The Dirty, Muddy, Torn-up Doormat.

                                                                                                                                             (Photo from tumblr.com)

I like to think I'm good at a lot of things. Things that I'm really terrible at. Like listening with every part of me when a friend is talking, always centering my life around God completely, praying about anything and everything, putting others before myself, being optimistic, being the perfect pastor's kid, and the list goes on. I'm really terrible at the stuff that a "good" Christian should rock at.

But there is one specific thing I'm really good at... letting the words of other's destroy me.

There's no doubt that you should take what others say and give it some thought. Not doing so would be pretty careless, cruel and arrogant in my book. That is, if the words spoken are out of concern or love. I cherish opinions and advice from people that have the right hearts; I know that their words will more than likely improve my character in some way.

And then on the other hand, we find the fine line between thinking about what others say and living what others say. I like to call these people doormats.

A doormat is someone that let's others say what they want, do what they want, and all the like, and they just take it. People walk on them like a doormat. It's like you're there saying, "No, it's fine, I'll just brush off all of the dirt later," and that dirt is the harsh words they throw on you over time. And here's a confession...

I am a dirty, muddy, torn-up doormat.

My edges are frayed and unraveling, heaving into a slight roll from the wear and tear; my exterior is roughly torn and scratched from the constant sweeping of feet and dirt upon me; filth is impacted and matted into my being from the lack of TLC and proper cleansing; I'm wearing thin. The dirt shed on me is never turned over to the One that can properly cleanse me and make me new because the feet spreading the destruction are never turned away. This rotting doormat keeps welcoming them.

To make a long story short, I let people control me far too often. If I think it will make them happy, I sacrifice my own joy to keep myself free from confrontation and conflict. Sure, it makes sense. But sometimes God wants us to experience that joy and push aside the harmful words that make us inflict suffering on ourselves by sacrificing it.

I'm writing this because just yesterday I let another person's words tear me apart so badly that I almost gave up a giant opportunity that I have been wanting for years. Just because someone was too selfish to be happy for me. And as hard as it is to say that, it's sometimes okay to want people to be happy for you. It gives you a much needed boost of self-approval that everyone needs here and there.

So in closing... get off the floor, go to the One who can fix you and heal you, and stop being a doormat. Joy is too precious to give up for the people that boast in your weakness. You need to boast in your weakness because you know that He will make you strong.

The Compass.

It seems like for the last week I've been hit by attacks everywhere I turn. I switch directions and there's another tidalwave waiting for me. I'm like a compass. I bounce from point to point, but everywhere I turn, I'm heading towards failure.

It's currently 12:43am.

Andrew Belle is playing quietly through my earbuds, the soft hum of my fan is peaking through in the silent moments of songs, a fuzzy blanket is wrapped around me, a Facebook chat bubble is binging with messages from a friend as I complain about life, my head is resting on my favorite squishy pillow, and the light from my phone screen is illuminating the lurking darkness surrounding me. As my thumbs type away, I catch myself with an involuntary scowl creasing on my forehead from the countless thoughts flowing through my tired, aching head. A lump has made home in my throat and a dampness pokes at the edges of my eyes in the most subtle, calming way.

The moments leading up to this outcome are in a foggy haze of a memory. It seems like my surroundings outside of my family are crumbling piece by piece, but I can't even pinpoint specific situations or reasons for that conclusion.

Being attacked on all sides seems to be one of the worst feelings I've come across. Not a day goes by that doesn't include the feeling of pushing away a friend unknowingly, messing up what could be a big opportunity, having the only thing that seems like mine suddenly taken from me, or even something as small as not receiving an important email bothering me. The use of an emoji or punctuation in a message can make me feel hated and the timing of a certain Facebook post can make me feel forgotten. From big things to small things, everything hurts in some way.

I keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong, why I keep messing things up, and why I can't stop. Why can't I get anything right? But after talking to some friends tonight, I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing right. It's always after something good that a storm comes. The storm pushes me away from that something good and makes me hide from everything until it's over. Then that something good is gone and I'm temporarily happy again.

It always in these times that I forget that I'm not alone. I forget that my Savior is right beside me saying, "Just trust Me." He's waiting for me to rely on Him and trust Him with everything in me through these times of struggle, but I get too distracted by the afflictions to give Him a second thought.

I can't imagine how He feels when He sees His children in shackles but they won't turn to Him. It's kind of like we have a blindfold over our eyes and we're in a dark maze, only using things that we can touch to guide us along. But Jesus is down the dark and narrow path, with His arms open, waiting for us to take a step of faith into the unknown. He keeps laying down stepping stones for us to follow, but we're too focused on guiding ourselves along the wall to notice them. He's trying to be our compass, but we put the hassle on ourselves because we think we know what's best.

It has taken far too long for me to realize that directing myself through life always ends it catastrophe. I still haven't completely figured it out, honestly. But with Jesus, I can let it all go and get the weight of leading my life in the right direction off my shoulders. That's His job and I don't want to get in the way.

So here I am pushing myself away from the safety of the maze wall, and finding my footing on the small stepping stones. I'm taking the leap of faith and facing the dark and narrow path because I know that my Light is at the end.

The Social Situation.

Last night, I changed my profile picture on Facebook. Pretty ordinary, right? I'd say so. 

I spent more time than necessary choosing a selfie that was at the ideal angle, in the right amount of lighting, and then choosing a filter that would make my skin look smooth and porcelain-like. I would stare at it for a few minutes and critique every inch of the photo before going back and trying more filters and editing techniques. When I finally decided on something that made me look good without making me look fake, I stared at it a little more with anxiety and hopefulness coursing through me and finally saved it to my phone's gallery. I then posted it on Instagram with a cute, little Switchfoot lyric to see if it would get a good response before taking it to the big stage of Facebook, where many more people would be seeing my face on their news feeds. As soon as I got a couple comments and enough likes to the point that instead of showing usernames I just saw a number, I decided that it was Facebook ready.
I waited until the perfect time where a good handful people were online and daringly clicked the Update Profile Picture button where I could take the plunge of uploading the new photo.

And then it happened.

My profile picture changed and I sat with my phone held tightly in my hands, refreshing my notifications time and time again, waiting to see the sign of my first like to pop up. My stomach was in knots and a nervous lump had made home in my throat. The nervous habit of chewing on my bottom lip was making an appearance as I stared down at the small screen of the digital device, and waited to see this version of my weekly self-worth poll. When I got five likes within just ten minutes, I was comfortable with leaving the photo for a little while longer instead of deleting it and trying again another time.

And now here I am, still checking my notifications while I write about this obsession I have with social approval and acceptance. 

"If you’re accepting feelings of doubt, inadequacy, self-hatred, and fear produced from the opinions of critics that don’t love you or want to see you become the best you can be, then you’re handing over your power to someone who doesn’t deserve it." -Christa Black, God Loves Ugly

It seems that whenever I'm seeking the approval of social media, I'm left wanting more and never feeling satisfied. I'm left with the feeling that I still haven't reach the level of acceptance that I'm so hungry for, and that I think I need. The words that are left lingering in my mind are, "Am I beautiful yet?"

I'm letting my self-worth become reliant on the opinions of people that won't give their like on my profile picture a second thought. When I don't get likes, I get down on myself. When I do get likes, I tell myself that I must be prettier in that picture than I usually am. How messed up is that? Something so irrelevant and stupid is making a huge impact on how I feel about myself and how much I think people like me. 

Social media has destroyed all traces of finding my worth and acceptance in God - the only One that I should be looking to.

Not caring about the opinions of others and only focusing on what God thinks of me is much harder said than done. I'm a teen girl living in a world that puts appearance above anything else. Appearance seems to be all the media cares about these days, and it's constantly being thrown in our faces. As soon as it feels like you're going down the right path with God and you have all of your priorities in order, the media is always right behind you with another new reason to feel like you're not good enough.

Five sparrows are sold for only two pennies, and God does not forget any of them. But God even knows how many hairs you have on your head. Don’t be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows. (Luke 12:6-7 NCV)

I'm not writing this to confess a past problem and then magically have the perfect Christian solution; I'm writing this to admit that I have a warped view on the meaning of self-worth and I'm trying to work on it. I'm not perfect and neither are you, so why not admit it and work on it together?

“The only way to replace the lies with the truth is to bring them into the light and acknowledge them first.” -Christa Black, God Loves Ugly

And thus begins my attempt at a blog...