The Dirty, Muddy, Torn-up Doormat.

                                                                                                                                             (Photo from tumblr.com)

I like to think I'm good at a lot of things. Things that I'm really terrible at. Like listening with every part of me when a friend is talking, always centering my life around God completely, praying about anything and everything, putting others before myself, being optimistic, being the perfect pastor's kid, and the list goes on. I'm really terrible at the stuff that a "good" Christian should rock at.

But there is one specific thing I'm really good at... letting the words of other's destroy me.

There's no doubt that you should take what others say and give it some thought. Not doing so would be pretty careless, cruel and arrogant in my book. That is, if the words spoken are out of concern or love. I cherish opinions and advice from people that have the right hearts; I know that their words will more than likely improve my character in some way.

And then on the other hand, we find the fine line between thinking about what others say and living what others say. I like to call these people doormats.

A doormat is someone that let's others say what they want, do what they want, and all the like, and they just take it. People walk on them like a doormat. It's like you're there saying, "No, it's fine, I'll just brush off all of the dirt later," and that dirt is the harsh words they throw on you over time. And here's a confession...

I am a dirty, muddy, torn-up doormat.

My edges are frayed and unraveling, heaving into a slight roll from the wear and tear; my exterior is roughly torn and scratched from the constant sweeping of feet and dirt upon me; filth is impacted and matted into my being from the lack of TLC and proper cleansing; I'm wearing thin. The dirt shed on me is never turned over to the One that can properly cleanse me and make me new because the feet spreading the destruction are never turned away. This rotting doormat keeps welcoming them.

To make a long story short, I let people control me far too often. If I think it will make them happy, I sacrifice my own joy to keep myself free from confrontation and conflict. Sure, it makes sense. But sometimes God wants us to experience that joy and push aside the harmful words that make us inflict suffering on ourselves by sacrificing it.

I'm writing this because just yesterday I let another person's words tear me apart so badly that I almost gave up a giant opportunity that I have been wanting for years. Just because someone was too selfish to be happy for me. And as hard as it is to say that, it's sometimes okay to want people to be happy for you. It gives you a much needed boost of self-approval that everyone needs here and there.

So in closing... get off the floor, go to the One who can fix you and heal you, and stop being a doormat. Joy is too precious to give up for the people that boast in your weakness. You need to boast in your weakness because you know that He will make you strong.

The Compass.

It seems like for the last week I've been hit by attacks everywhere I turn. I switch directions and there's another tidalwave waiting for me. I'm like a compass. I bounce from point to point, but everywhere I turn, I'm heading towards failure.

It's currently 12:43am.

Andrew Belle is playing quietly through my earbuds, the soft hum of my fan is peaking through in the silent moments of songs, a fuzzy blanket is wrapped around me, a Facebook chat bubble is binging with messages from a friend as I complain about life, my head is resting on my favorite squishy pillow, and the light from my phone screen is illuminating the lurking darkness surrounding me. As my thumbs type away, I catch myself with an involuntary scowl creasing on my forehead from the countless thoughts flowing through my tired, aching head. A lump has made home in my throat and a dampness pokes at the edges of my eyes in the most subtle, calming way.

The moments leading up to this outcome are in a foggy haze of a memory. It seems like my surroundings outside of my family are crumbling piece by piece, but I can't even pinpoint specific situations or reasons for that conclusion.

Being attacked on all sides seems to be one of the worst feelings I've come across. Not a day goes by that doesn't include the feeling of pushing away a friend unknowingly, messing up what could be a big opportunity, having the only thing that seems like mine suddenly taken from me, or even something as small as not receiving an important email bothering me. The use of an emoji or punctuation in a message can make me feel hated and the timing of a certain Facebook post can make me feel forgotten. From big things to small things, everything hurts in some way.

I keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong, why I keep messing things up, and why I can't stop. Why can't I get anything right? But after talking to some friends tonight, I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing right. It's always after something good that a storm comes. The storm pushes me away from that something good and makes me hide from everything until it's over. Then that something good is gone and I'm temporarily happy again.

It always in these times that I forget that I'm not alone. I forget that my Savior is right beside me saying, "Just trust Me." He's waiting for me to rely on Him and trust Him with everything in me through these times of struggle, but I get too distracted by the afflictions to give Him a second thought.

I can't imagine how He feels when He sees His children in shackles but they won't turn to Him. It's kind of like we have a blindfold over our eyes and we're in a dark maze, only using things that we can touch to guide us along. But Jesus is down the dark and narrow path, with His arms open, waiting for us to take a step of faith into the unknown. He keeps laying down stepping stones for us to follow, but we're too focused on guiding ourselves along the wall to notice them. He's trying to be our compass, but we put the hassle on ourselves because we think we know what's best.

It has taken far too long for me to realize that directing myself through life always ends it catastrophe. I still haven't completely figured it out, honestly. But with Jesus, I can let it all go and get the weight of leading my life in the right direction off my shoulders. That's His job and I don't want to get in the way.

So here I am pushing myself away from the safety of the maze wall, and finding my footing on the small stepping stones. I'm taking the leap of faith and facing the dark and narrow path because I know that my Light is at the end.