It's currently 12:43am.
Andrew Belle is playing quietly through my earbuds, the soft hum of my fan is peaking through in the silent moments of songs, a fuzzy blanket is wrapped around me, a Facebook chat bubble is binging with messages from a friend as I complain about life, my head is resting on my favorite squishy pillow, and the light from my phone screen is illuminating the lurking darkness surrounding me. As my thumbs type away, I catch myself with an involuntary scowl creasing on my forehead from the countless thoughts flowing through my tired, aching head. A lump has made home in my throat and a dampness pokes at the edges of my eyes in the most subtle, calming way.
The moments leading up to this outcome are in a foggy haze of a memory. It seems like my surroundings outside of my family are crumbling piece by piece, but I can't even pinpoint specific situations or reasons for that conclusion.
Being attacked on all sides seems to be one of the worst feelings I've come across. Not a day goes by that doesn't include the feeling of pushing away a friend unknowingly, messing up what could be a big opportunity, having the only thing that seems like mine suddenly taken from me, or even something as small as not receiving an important email bothering me. The use of an emoji or punctuation in a message can make me feel hated and the timing of a certain Facebook post can make me feel forgotten. From big things to small things, everything hurts in some way.
I keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong, why I keep messing things up, and why I can't stop. Why can't I get anything right? But after talking to some friends tonight, I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing right. It's always after something good that a storm comes. The storm pushes me away from that something good and makes me hide from everything until it's over. Then that something good is gone and I'm temporarily happy again.
It always in these times that I forget that I'm not alone. I forget that my Savior is right beside me saying, "Just trust Me." He's waiting for me to rely on Him and trust Him with everything in me through these times of struggle, but I get too distracted by the afflictions to give Him a second thought.
I can't imagine how He feels when He sees His children in shackles but they won't turn to Him. It's kind of like we have a blindfold over our eyes and we're in a dark maze, only using things that we can touch to guide us along. But Jesus is down the dark and narrow path, with His arms open, waiting for us to take a step of faith into the unknown. He keeps laying down stepping stones for us to follow, but we're too focused on guiding ourselves along the wall to notice them. He's trying to be our compass, but we put the hassle on ourselves because we think we know what's best.
It has taken far too long for me to realize that directing myself through life always ends it catastrophe. I still haven't completely figured it out, honestly. But with Jesus, I can let it all go and get the weight of leading my life in the right direction off my shoulders. That's His job and I don't want to get in the way.
So here I am pushing myself away from the safety of the maze wall, and finding my footing on the small stepping stones. I'm taking the leap of faith and facing the dark and narrow path because I know that my Light is at the end.
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