The Social Situation.

Last night, I changed my profile picture on Facebook. Pretty ordinary, right? I'd say so. 

I spent more time than necessary choosing a selfie that was at the ideal angle, in the right amount of lighting, and then choosing a filter that would make my skin look smooth and porcelain-like. I would stare at it for a few minutes and critique every inch of the photo before going back and trying more filters and editing techniques. When I finally decided on something that made me look good without making me look fake, I stared at it a little more with anxiety and hopefulness coursing through me and finally saved it to my phone's gallery. I then posted it on Instagram with a cute, little Switchfoot lyric to see if it would get a good response before taking it to the big stage of Facebook, where many more people would be seeing my face on their news feeds. As soon as I got a couple comments and enough likes to the point that instead of showing usernames I just saw a number, I decided that it was Facebook ready.
I waited until the perfect time where a good handful people were online and daringly clicked the Update Profile Picture button where I could take the plunge of uploading the new photo.

And then it happened.

My profile picture changed and I sat with my phone held tightly in my hands, refreshing my notifications time and time again, waiting to see the sign of my first like to pop up. My stomach was in knots and a nervous lump had made home in my throat. The nervous habit of chewing on my bottom lip was making an appearance as I stared down at the small screen of the digital device, and waited to see this version of my weekly self-worth poll. When I got five likes within just ten minutes, I was comfortable with leaving the photo for a little while longer instead of deleting it and trying again another time.

And now here I am, still checking my notifications while I write about this obsession I have with social approval and acceptance. 

"If you’re accepting feelings of doubt, inadequacy, self-hatred, and fear produced from the opinions of critics that don’t love you or want to see you become the best you can be, then you’re handing over your power to someone who doesn’t deserve it." -Christa Black, God Loves Ugly

It seems that whenever I'm seeking the approval of social media, I'm left wanting more and never feeling satisfied. I'm left with the feeling that I still haven't reach the level of acceptance that I'm so hungry for, and that I think I need. The words that are left lingering in my mind are, "Am I beautiful yet?"

I'm letting my self-worth become reliant on the opinions of people that won't give their like on my profile picture a second thought. When I don't get likes, I get down on myself. When I do get likes, I tell myself that I must be prettier in that picture than I usually am. How messed up is that? Something so irrelevant and stupid is making a huge impact on how I feel about myself and how much I think people like me. 

Social media has destroyed all traces of finding my worth and acceptance in God - the only One that I should be looking to.

Not caring about the opinions of others and only focusing on what God thinks of me is much harder said than done. I'm a teen girl living in a world that puts appearance above anything else. Appearance seems to be all the media cares about these days, and it's constantly being thrown in our faces. As soon as it feels like you're going down the right path with God and you have all of your priorities in order, the media is always right behind you with another new reason to feel like you're not good enough.

Five sparrows are sold for only two pennies, and God does not forget any of them. But God even knows how many hairs you have on your head. Don’t be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows. (Luke 12:6-7 NCV)

I'm not writing this to confess a past problem and then magically have the perfect Christian solution; I'm writing this to admit that I have a warped view on the meaning of self-worth and I'm trying to work on it. I'm not perfect and neither are you, so why not admit it and work on it together?

“The only way to replace the lies with the truth is to bring them into the light and acknowledge them first.” -Christa Black, God Loves Ugly

And thus begins my attempt at a blog...